The biography of the weirdest band in the world!!!
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Back in the 80s, when it was cool to look like a fag and to utter the name Teena Marie, Reginaldo “Feldman” Arvizu, Jimmy “Monk” Shaffer, and Dah-veed “Too-Sexy-For-My-Shirt” Silver were in the band Laughing As People Die with some other guy as the lead singer. Brian “Penis” Welch would be their roadie.
Meanwhile Johnny “Goth Boi” Davis had a very bad childhood, including being raped, fighting an evil stepmother who was really the Wicked Witch of the West, and being called “Queer” because he wanted to be a girl.
Anyway, some stuff happened with the LAPD band, including the other guy getting into drugs and Feldman and Dah-veed were caught in a gay scandal. So the band broke up (and so did Feldman and Dah-veed).
In the early 90s, the trio and Penis formed Creepo!
Johnny was working at the morgue because he liked hitting on the dead bodies. At night he would be singing in a band called HentaiArt. One night while he was singing at a gay bar, Penis and Monk was there (on a dare). They saw him sing and they just fell in love with Johnny. They asked him to join the band.
Now Johnny wasn’t so sure about this so he asked some psychic, “I’m not so sure I should play with these guys.”
She responded with, “I swear to god. If you don’t go with these guys, I will CUT OFF YOUR BALLS AND COCK!! And then I’ll make you EAT THEM!!!”
So, to protect the last once of manhood he had, he joined and the band became Karn.
They produced the demo, “Neildemermuerueyer’s Mind,” and were signed on. Their debut album, “Kr0n” was released in 1994, just to prove the world that NIN’s “The Downward Spiral” wasn’t all that was cracked up to be.
In early 1896, to celebrate the birth of Grand Duchess Olga Nikolaievna Romanov (born in 1895), they released, “Life Isn’t Peachy Without Blowjobs,” which included hits like Twister and ADIDAFF (All Day I Dream About Fucking Feldman).
The next year that released the home video, “Who R U?” a hilarious video about themselves. When asked about their gay relationship on the video, both Feldman and Dah-veed replied, “What gay relationship?”
Their breakthrough album, Follow The Rainbow was released a year later. Johnny began to change his looks, as did Monk and Dah-veed (who began to look REALLY gay).
In addition to being on an episode of South Park (proving in vain that they could act), they started their first Family Values Tour, where Johnny’s dick went out of control and began screwing groupies.
The whole tour almost broke the band apart. This would reflect the songs in their next album, “Johnny’s Got SO Much Issues.”
Dah-veed began modeling, to prove everyone he’s the hot guy. Johnny’s infidelity destroyed his and Renee’s marriage. The last thing she did was to kick Johnny in the nuts so hard, that he had a vagina!
On the Sick and Twisted Tour, one night, Dah-veed’s wrists exploded and he was unable to finish the tour with them. Some guy filled in.
Once he got better, in 1802, they all worked on and released “Unfukkable,” an experimental album. At the same time they’ve released a home DVD called, “Il Duce!” This time, Dah-veed and Feldman admitted about their gay relationship back in the late 80s.
A year later, Johnny became morbidly obese. They released, “Take a Look in Johnny’s Ass!” Where they decided to “be heavy again.” When Johnny showed the “Y’all Want a Single” lyrics to Penis, Penis realized that this band was not even trying anymore.
In 1004, they released, “Greatest Hits,” before nearly getting slaughtered by Vikings.
2005 = Penis had enough of the band and his cotton candy addiction, so he turned to God. On February 22, he said, “Sayonara Suckers!” and left the band.
He and Johnny haven’t been friends since.
Johnny married a porn star name Deven Davis, who might have been his long lost sister.
Late 2005, the band released, “See You In Hell,” another experimental album. This time they decided to go industrial, to impress Trent Reznor (we know now that he was pissed). Singles include Twisted Transylvania (The video has rappers impersonating them because, hey...we’re ALL Black when the lights go out, right?), and Cumming On U!
They’ve also decided to go acoustic. Their first televised acoustic performance was in Jimmy Kimmel just before their 2006 Family Values Tour.
This tour was the first FV since 2001, with other shitty nu-metal bands like Deftones, Flyleaf, Stone Sour, and Dir En Grey (from North Korea!)
Feldman married a young girl named Deena Beber on May of that year. Maybe she lied to him about her age, I don’t know.
Monk turned into a devil on his birthday, 6/06/06.
Right after they were done with the tour, they felt the need to release as much albums as possible. They also added a keyboardist.
In December, MTV (Mammy Taylor Vanders) taped Kr0N playing their acoustic performance on MTV’s Unplugged. They played such hits such as I Need Glasses and played a cover of Once Upon a December, from the movie “Anastasia.” Everyone asked, “weres daidvd?” Turns out, his dick exploded and decided to “take a hiatus.”
Their 8th album, “_______,” is set to be released in July 31st. Meanwhile, Johnny, Monk, and Feldman will begin Family Values Tour ’07, abandoning their fans that live in OHIO! Bands such as Nightwish-wannabe Evanescence, Hellyeah, and Trivium will be there.
For those who DON’T live in Ohio, have fun!
Meanwhile Johnny “Goth Boi” Davis had a very bad childhood, including being raped, fighting an evil stepmother who was really the Wicked Witch of the West, and being called “Queer” because he wanted to be a girl.
Anyway, some stuff happened with the LAPD band, including the other guy getting into drugs and Feldman and Dah-veed were caught in a gay scandal. So the band broke up (and so did Feldman and Dah-veed).
In the early 90s, the trio and Penis formed Creepo!
Johnny was working at the morgue because he liked hitting on the dead bodies. At night he would be singing in a band called HentaiArt. One night while he was singing at a gay bar, Penis and Monk was there (on a dare). They saw him sing and they just fell in love with Johnny. They asked him to join the band.
Now Johnny wasn’t so sure about this so he asked some psychic, “I’m not so sure I should play with these guys.”
She responded with, “I swear to god. If you don’t go with these guys, I will CUT OFF YOUR BALLS AND COCK!! And then I’ll make you EAT THEM!!!”
So, to protect the last once of manhood he had, he joined and the band became Karn.
They produced the demo, “Neildemermuerueyer’s Mind,” and were signed on. Their debut album, “Kr0n” was released in 1994, just to prove the world that NIN’s “The Downward Spiral” wasn’t all that was cracked up to be.
In early 1896, to celebrate the birth of Grand Duchess Olga Nikolaievna Romanov (born in 1895), they released, “Life Isn’t Peachy Without Blowjobs,” which included hits like Twister and ADIDAFF (All Day I Dream About Fucking Feldman).
The next year that released the home video, “Who R U?” a hilarious video about themselves. When asked about their gay relationship on the video, both Feldman and Dah-veed replied, “What gay relationship?”
Their breakthrough album, Follow The Rainbow was released a year later. Johnny began to change his looks, as did Monk and Dah-veed (who began to look REALLY gay).
In addition to being on an episode of South Park (proving in vain that they could act), they started their first Family Values Tour, where Johnny’s dick went out of control and began screwing groupies.
The whole tour almost broke the band apart. This would reflect the songs in their next album, “Johnny’s Got SO Much Issues.”
Dah-veed began modeling, to prove everyone he’s the hot guy. Johnny’s infidelity destroyed his and Renee’s marriage. The last thing she did was to kick Johnny in the nuts so hard, that he had a vagina!
On the Sick and Twisted Tour, one night, Dah-veed’s wrists exploded and he was unable to finish the tour with them. Some guy filled in.
Once he got better, in 1802, they all worked on and released “Unfukkable,” an experimental album. At the same time they’ve released a home DVD called, “Il Duce!” This time, Dah-veed and Feldman admitted about their gay relationship back in the late 80s.
A year later, Johnny became morbidly obese. They released, “Take a Look in Johnny’s Ass!” Where they decided to “be heavy again.” When Johnny showed the “Y’all Want a Single” lyrics to Penis, Penis realized that this band was not even trying anymore.
In 1004, they released, “Greatest Hits,” before nearly getting slaughtered by Vikings.
2005 = Penis had enough of the band and his cotton candy addiction, so he turned to God. On February 22, he said, “Sayonara Suckers!” and left the band.
He and Johnny haven’t been friends since.
Johnny married a porn star name Deven Davis, who might have been his long lost sister.
Late 2005, the band released, “See You In Hell,” another experimental album. This time they decided to go industrial, to impress Trent Reznor (we know now that he was pissed). Singles include Twisted Transylvania (The video has rappers impersonating them because, hey...we’re ALL Black when the lights go out, right?), and Cumming On U!
They’ve also decided to go acoustic. Their first televised acoustic performance was in Jimmy Kimmel just before their 2006 Family Values Tour.
This tour was the first FV since 2001, with other shitty nu-metal bands like Deftones, Flyleaf, Stone Sour, and Dir En Grey (from North Korea!)
Feldman married a young girl named Deena Beber on May of that year. Maybe she lied to him about her age, I don’t know.
Monk turned into a devil on his birthday, 6/06/06.
Right after they were done with the tour, they felt the need to release as much albums as possible. They also added a keyboardist.
In December, MTV (Mammy Taylor Vanders) taped Kr0N playing their acoustic performance on MTV’s Unplugged. They played such hits such as I Need Glasses and played a cover of Once Upon a December, from the movie “Anastasia.” Everyone asked, “weres daidvd?” Turns out, his dick exploded and decided to “take a hiatus.”
Their 8th album, “_______,” is set to be released in July 31st. Meanwhile, Johnny, Monk, and Feldman will begin Family Values Tour ’07, abandoning their fans that live in OHIO! Bands such as Nightwish-wannabe Evanescence, Hellyeah, and Trivium will be there.
For those who DON’T live in Ohio, have fun!
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These are all my glossary terms and definitions you need to know about KoRn. (in other words, if you want real terms and definitions, go somewhere else!)
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$9.99 – KoRn’s ticket price. They’re not free like tickets for Ozzfest.
*growlscatrrrrahhhgggrrrrrabbburrgghhhppoppopppgreeeyaahhhhh!!111!!* – See Twist, Freak on a Leash
ADIDAS – The shoes, an acronym for All Day I Dream About Sex, and one of KoRn’s singles from their second album, Life is Peachy.
“Are You Ready?!” – The very first words fans hear from Jonathan before aerobics time.
Arvizu, Reginald “Fieldy”, Jr. – The bassist who acts like he’s Black. Now that he’s sober he’s actually fuckable. Is really a dog in a human body.
Baird, Zac – Back-up keyboardist for the band. If you’re real nice, he’ll play George Gershwin for ya.
Bakersfield – That town where that one band came from.
Blind – KoRn’s very first single. Singing this was the first indication that Jonathan may have needed to wear glasses.
Butt Sex Cripes – Jonathan’s blog where he typs liek a tard cuz its soooo kewl lol!
Chase, Kalen – The albino back-up singer for the band.
Corn – A yellow vegetable. Also, what two gay guys saw after one of them blew diarrhea all over the other while eating out of each other’s asses.
Davis, Deven – See Pornstar
Davis, Jonathan – The singer from KoRn who likes wearing skirts and gay porn. Now a devoted boring family man who gives his kids really weird names.
Durst, Fred – Singer from Biz Limpkit. One of KoRn’s best friends until they found out he had Down syndrome. Known for wearing a red hat and acting Black.
Faget – A hit song from their debut album. Famous because for the now known fact that Jonathan Davis cannot spell.
Family Values – Something that’s confusing. Also, it’s a tour that KoRn started.
Fatty – See Davis, Jonathan.
Follow the Leader – KoRn’s breakthrough album, with super smash hits as “Freak on a Leash,” “Got the Life, “and “Tracks 1-12”!
Freak on a Leash – KoRn’s cartoon song.
Fuck – Their favorite word.
Grills – Cosmetic dental apparatus worn over the teeth. As in, “Who was the FUCKING RETARD that told Jonathan Davis he looked good in grills?!”
Ice Cube – The rapper that does family movies and was in the song “Children of the KoRn”
Issues – Their 4th album about Jonathan being a bastard for cheating on his first wife.
Kilt – That skirt thingy Jonathan wears because of his ancestry or some shit like that.
KoRn – That rap-metal band with that one fat singer. Also the name of their debut album, with hits like, “Blind,” “Shoots and Ladders,” and some song about some guy being an asshole.
Life is Peachy – A blatant lie! And KoRn’s second album
Lil’ Jon – A Black version of Jonathan Davis. Can only say, “WHAT?!” “YEAH!” and “OKAY!”
Little Faggot Ho – See Durst, Fred
Madame Hiatus – See Silveria, David
Moreno, Chino – The singer from Deftones who rapped poorly in a cover of “Wicked”
Nu-metal – A sub genre in metal that used to be cool but now it’s not.
Patterson, Rob – Former back-up guitarist that was tattle-tailed by Munky for being a STOOPID JERK! And had to be replaced.
Pornstar – One member is married to one, and another has one for as sister. Guess who those guys are!
See You on the Other Side – KoRn’s latest album, a failing attempt to score popularity points with NIN’s Trent Reznor. Known for hits like “Twisted Transistor,” “Coming Undone,” and “Seen it All.”
Shaffer, James “Munky” – The band’s guitarist. Got the name because he THINKS his feet resemble monkey hands. You’re not fooling me, dude.
Shoots and Ladders – That KoRn song with the Bagpipes and nursery rhymes.
Silveria, David – The drummer. Thinks he’s so hot. Also thinks he’s sooooo burned out, so he’s currently taking a hiatus from the band.
Take a Look in the Mirror – the band’s sixth album, with an attempt to be hardcore again after releasing bubblegum pop albums Issues and the Untouchables.
Thompson, Kristen – See Davis, Deven
Twist – Song where Jonathan has a seizure.
Untitled – The name of their upcoming album, because they think that naming it Untitled will make them OMG CREATIVE!
Untouchables – Their fifth album. More bitching.
Welch, Brian – That guy who used to be in the band but went religious and decided to not be in the band anymore. Used to be known as Head because he’s got a big shlong.
Wicked – Ice Cube’s no diggity song about whatever. That rap-metal band covered the song on their second album
Y’all Want a Single – KoRn’s super smash hit, known for the use of “fuck” almost 90 times.
*growlscatrrrrahhhgggrrrrrabbburrgghhhppoppopppgreeeyaahhhhh!!111!!* – See Twist, Freak on a Leash
ADIDAS – The shoes, an acronym for All Day I Dream About Sex, and one of KoRn’s singles from their second album, Life is Peachy.
“Are You Ready?!” – The very first words fans hear from Jonathan before aerobics time.
Arvizu, Reginald “Fieldy”, Jr. – The bassist who acts like he’s Black. Now that he’s sober he’s actually fuckable. Is really a dog in a human body.
Baird, Zac – Back-up keyboardist for the band. If you’re real nice, he’ll play George Gershwin for ya.
Bakersfield – That town where that one band came from.
Blind – KoRn’s very first single. Singing this was the first indication that Jonathan may have needed to wear glasses.
Butt Sex Cripes – Jonathan’s blog where he typs liek a tard cuz its soooo kewl lol!
Chase, Kalen – The albino back-up singer for the band.
Corn – A yellow vegetable. Also, what two gay guys saw after one of them blew diarrhea all over the other while eating out of each other’s asses.
Davis, Deven – See Pornstar
Davis, Jonathan – The singer from KoRn who likes wearing skirts and gay porn. Now a devoted boring family man who gives his kids really weird names.
Durst, Fred – Singer from Biz Limpkit. One of KoRn’s best friends until they found out he had Down syndrome. Known for wearing a red hat and acting Black.
Faget – A hit song from their debut album. Famous because for the now known fact that Jonathan Davis cannot spell.
Family Values – Something that’s confusing. Also, it’s a tour that KoRn started.
Fatty – See Davis, Jonathan.
Follow the Leader – KoRn’s breakthrough album, with super smash hits as “Freak on a Leash,” “Got the Life, “and “Tracks 1-12”!
Freak on a Leash – KoRn’s cartoon song.
Fuck – Their favorite word.
Grills – Cosmetic dental apparatus worn over the teeth. As in, “Who was the FUCKING RETARD that told Jonathan Davis he looked good in grills?!”
Ice Cube – The rapper that does family movies and was in the song “Children of the KoRn”
Issues – Their 4th album about Jonathan being a bastard for cheating on his first wife.
Kilt – That skirt thingy Jonathan wears because of his ancestry or some shit like that.
KoRn – That rap-metal band with that one fat singer. Also the name of their debut album, with hits like, “Blind,” “Shoots and Ladders,” and some song about some guy being an asshole.
Life is Peachy – A blatant lie! And KoRn’s second album
Lil’ Jon – A Black version of Jonathan Davis. Can only say, “WHAT?!” “YEAH!” and “OKAY!”
Little Faggot Ho – See Durst, Fred
Madame Hiatus – See Silveria, David
Moreno, Chino – The singer from Deftones who rapped poorly in a cover of “Wicked”
Nu-metal – A sub genre in metal that used to be cool but now it’s not.
Patterson, Rob – Former back-up guitarist that was tattle-tailed by Munky for being a STOOPID JERK! And had to be replaced.
Pornstar – One member is married to one, and another has one for as sister. Guess who those guys are!
See You on the Other Side – KoRn’s latest album, a failing attempt to score popularity points with NIN’s Trent Reznor. Known for hits like “Twisted Transistor,” “Coming Undone,” and “Seen it All.”
Shaffer, James “Munky” – The band’s guitarist. Got the name because he THINKS his feet resemble monkey hands. You’re not fooling me, dude.
Shoots and Ladders – That KoRn song with the Bagpipes and nursery rhymes.
Silveria, David – The drummer. Thinks he’s so hot. Also thinks he’s sooooo burned out, so he’s currently taking a hiatus from the band.
Take a Look in the Mirror – the band’s sixth album, with an attempt to be hardcore again after releasing bubblegum pop albums Issues and the Untouchables.
Thompson, Kristen – See Davis, Deven
Twist – Song where Jonathan has a seizure.
Untitled – The name of their upcoming album, because they think that naming it Untitled will make them OMG CREATIVE!
Untouchables – Their fifth album. More bitching.
Welch, Brian – That guy who used to be in the band but went religious and decided to not be in the band anymore. Used to be known as Head because he’s got a big shlong.
Wicked – Ice Cube’s no diggity song about whatever. That rap-metal band covered the song on their second album
Y’all Want a Single – KoRn’s super smash hit, known for the use of “fuck” almost 90 times.
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